Westminster digested Extra! Cameron gets tough with the looters, Bozza gets bolshie – and Cleggster agrees with his Daddy, again
Cameron: The police have been far too timid with the looters. What I and the public wanted to see was the police gunning the oiks down in the street. It’s the only way to regain respect for law and order.
The police: It will take a great deal more than that for us to regain any respect for you.
Cameron: Now is not the time for sound-bite politics, but it is quite clear that none of the looting had anything to do with cuts in social services or police budgets …
Theresa May: Absolutely! I have here the numbers scribbled on the back of an envelope that prove I can double the number of bobbies on the beat while slashing costs.
The police: That rather looks like your Nectar card statement.
May: Oh. So it is. But it’s almost the same.
Bozza: Now is not the time for sound-bites, but it is jolly well clear that no one will re-elect me next year if I don’t say we need more police.
Cameron: Look here, Bozza. I’ve had just about enough of your unhelpful remarks. I didn’t like you when we were in the Bullers together, and I don’t like you now. The public demands to know exactly who is going to pay me back for the expenses involved in cutting short my summer hols. Because it certainly won’t be me.
Bozza: No need to get so tetchy, Dave, old boy. It’s only politics. It’s every man for himself now.
Looters: That’s odd! That’s just what we were saying last week, innit?
Cameron: I demand that everyone involved in the riots must face the death penalty.
Judge: So, young oaf. You are accused of getting a bit drunk and setting up a Facebook group to start trouble. How do you plead?
Wannabe looter: Guilty, m’lud. Though I’d like to point out that me and my mates were so pissed that we fell asleep, so none of us turned up for the ruck.
Judge: That only makes it worse. You are typical of the work-shy youth of today who is unable to stick to his promises. In my day, if you said you were going to do something, you did it. Four years.
Cameron: Quite right. That’s the sort of tough sentencing I expect. Imagine if I had arranged a Bullers night out and I’d failed to trash the restaurant. The law would have come down on me like a tonne of bricks.
Clegg: You’re so right, Daddy! What the country needs is strong parenting …
Everyone: Wouldn’t you call the prime minister, the deputy prime minister, the chancellor of the exchequer, the home secretary and the mayor of London all being away on holiday at the same time when the country is going up in flames and the economy in smoke a sign of neglect?
Clegg: Don’t be beastly to Daddy. If he had been my Daddy when I was younger, I would never have torched those German greenhouses.
Cameron: Everyone needs to learn my own marvellous parenting skills. I have personally identified 120,000 families with rubbish parents and I propose to spend time with each and every one of them until they have mended their ways.
Milidee: Just out of interest, how did you come up with that figure of 120,000?
Cameron: I found it on Theresa’s Nectar statement.
Milidee: And what are you going to teach these parents?
Cameron: I’m going to be telling them that looting is unacceptable. Pure and simple. If they want to get involved in crime, they will have to learn to do some nice middle-class crime. That’s the kind of crime the country needs. Fiddling expenses, trashing restaurants …
Clegg: Don’t forget arson, Daddy …
Cameron: Shut up, Cleggster. You’re not helping …
Bozza: May I just say that, for once, I agree with the chappy Dave. The rabble needs proper father figures. Too many children these days don’t try to shag anything that moves.
Andy Coulson: I would also like to add that phone hacking officially counts as a middle-class crime.
Cameron: La, la, la. I don’t want to talk about phone hacking any more. I have drawn a line under that and I have moved on. As far as I am concerned I have never heard of phone hacking, no one I know has ever partaken in phone hacking but let me make it clear that if I did know of anyone who had condoned phone hacking I would be very, very angry because it is an unspeakable evil.
Coulson: Hi Dave. How are things?
Cameron: I don’t know you, we’ve never met and you’ve never worked for me.
Clegg: Why does everyone keep questioning my Daddy’s judgment?
Everything: Because he doesn’t appear to have any.
Clegg: Yes he does. He chose me as his son.
Every Lib Dem MP except Clegg: OK, OK, we’re sorry. We’ve got this coalition thingy hideously wrong. And we hate Nick too.
Clegg: I don’t care. Because Daddy loves me.
Hague: So do I, Cleggster. Why don’t you come and stay with me in Venezuela so we can go wild swimming together? I hope you don’t mind if we have to share a room together.
Clegg: I thought you’d never ask.
Cameron: OK, Ozzy. Now we’ve got rid of the idiots, let’s get the show back on the road. How’s the recovery coming on?
Osborne: It’s all terribly odd, Cams. It seems that unemployment is going up much more steeply than I thought, economic growth has stagnated and inflation is out of control. I can’t think how that happened.
Cameron: I’m sure it’s just a temporary blip …
Osborne: And it does look as if all the riots took place in the most deprived areas.
Cameron: That’s got nothing to do with anything, Ozzy. It’s a well-known fact that the police are always the most timid in areas of high unemployment.
Osborne: So it’s still the police’s fault.
Osborne: And do you think spiralling inflation is the police’s fault as well?
Cameron: I don’t see why not.
Osborne: But what shall we do? We need a new policy.
Cameron: Why? The old one of doing nothing seems to be working perfectly well.
“Watching a lot of television shortens your lifespan. A big new study out of Australia says for each hour of TV you watch over the age of 25, it takes 22 minutes off your life, at the end of life. Put in another way, one researcher said this puts TV in the same category as smoking and obesity. It can speed up a premature death by five years, if you’re a dedicated TV viewer.”
—Brian Williams, NBC Nightly News